the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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