im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
