Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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