I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
