Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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