My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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