I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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