I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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