The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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