I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
foreskin is a definite game changer
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
