I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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