I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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