Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
