My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
