I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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