I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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