whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize