He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Randomize
