Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
