$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
