So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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