I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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