Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
