Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
