just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
