every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
