the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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