I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
