Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
