Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
