glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
babies were throwing up all over the place
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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