it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
