And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
