I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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