how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
