we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
