omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
