Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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