Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize