my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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