wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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