saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
