I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
