Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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