apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
