I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
