i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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