im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
