I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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