I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
