She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
