when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
