I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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