I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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