I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
