if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
