you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
