I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
