My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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