I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
