toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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